Well, two semester had just passed. I'm so freaking tired nowadays. Not physically. But mentally. I just don't know why and what I'm tiring of. Just felt like, very tired of a sudden, even the slightest things in life.
I'm tired of fake friends, being lied and being used. Eventually I believe that '没有永远的朋友 只有永远的利益'. Why? Humans. Complicated. Like a coin. Not to mean valuable. But two-faced.


I've lost myself. I lost my direction. 

While relaxing at the chair, sitting down, staring into the air, I ask myself why I am here. Lying down on my
cozy bed, closing my eyes or staring at the wall, pondering about life. Why? While strolling on the veranda, beside the beach, even waiting on the ferry, gazing at the enormous crystal blue sea, the beautiful sky, colourful buildings, the wonderful creations of God... and I look back into the reality, this world, complex humanity, I asked again, why? I even ask questions like What am I doing? Why I'm doing this? Who am I? Where should I go? What's the purpose of all these? How to move on?


Many thoughts emerge on my mind. I overthink everything. Sometimes. I just really don't understand why there's a planet called earth containing humans which are bypasser on this planet and will eventually depart one day. I don't comprehend why there are so many unfairness on this earth. This earth is too cruel. The reality is too harsh. My life can be so uncertain. Some filled with laughter. Some flooded with tears. Some are lonely. Some may be bliss with fiends.


I look into this world, with excitement, looking forward to experience this earth, when I was small. The pure-hearted me. The cute me. Nowadays, it was a huge contrary. Hearts feeling with despair, sometimes feeling helpless, watching everything evolve, and people change. Sometimes, the intense of negativity is just too strong. Just feeling like I'm done. And I just wanna give up on everything. Tired.


I know I shouldn't have all these thinking and feelings as my belief taught me the purpose of life. I actually know why I'm here. Who I am. And what I'm supposed to do. My destiny. But I just lost myself suddenly. Lost everything. I'm sorry. I'm only a human. Imperfect. Please allow me. To lose myself, to be imperfect, to do silly mistakes, to ponder and ponder again the purpose of my existence.


I'm sorry Lord if I disappoint you. My life. My character. My attitude. God please lead the way, for I know the plans you have for me is beyond my thinking. In You I trust. I cast my life into your hand.