Well, two semester had just passed. I'm so freaking tired nowadays. Not physically. But mentally. I just don't know why and what I'm tiring of. Just felt like, very tired of a sudden, even the slightest things in life.
I'm tired of fake friends, being lied and being used. Eventually I believe that '没有永远的朋友 只有永远的利益'. Why? Humans. Complicated. Like a coin. Not to mean valuable. But two-faced.


I've lost myself. I lost my direction. 

While relaxing at the chair, sitting down, staring into the air, I ask myself why I am here. Lying down on my
cozy bed, closing my eyes or staring at the wall, pondering about life. Why? While strolling on the veranda, beside the beach, even waiting on the ferry, gazing at the enormous crystal blue sea, the beautiful sky, colourful buildings, the wonderful creations of God... and I look back into the reality, this world, complex humanity, I asked again, why? I even ask questions like What am I doing? Why I'm doing this? Who am I? Where should I go? What's the purpose of all these? How to move on?


Many thoughts emerge on my mind. I overthink everything. Sometimes. I just really don't understand why there's a planet called earth containing humans which are bypasser on this planet and will eventually depart one day. I don't comprehend why there are so many unfairness on this earth. This earth is too cruel. The reality is too harsh. My life can be so uncertain. Some filled with laughter. Some flooded with tears. Some are lonely. Some may be bliss with fiends.


I look into this world, with excitement, looking forward to experience this earth, when I was small. The pure-hearted me. The cute me. Nowadays, it was a huge contrary. Hearts feeling with despair, sometimes feeling helpless, watching everything evolve, and people change. Sometimes, the intense of negativity is just too strong. Just feeling like I'm done. And I just wanna give up on everything. Tired.


I know I shouldn't have all these thinking and feelings as my belief taught me the purpose of life. I actually know why I'm here. Who I am. And what I'm supposed to do. My destiny. But I just lost myself suddenly. Lost everything. I'm sorry. I'm only a human. Imperfect. Please allow me. To lose myself, to be imperfect, to do silly mistakes, to ponder and ponder again the purpose of my existence.


I'm sorry Lord if I disappoint you. My life. My character. My attitude. God please lead the way, for I know the plans you have for me is beyond my thinking. In You I trust. I cast my life into your hand.

Sem 1 of my diploma had just ended, and SPM result is out. Well, I just can't believe for my straight A's. It's just like, a dream. A beautiful wish that was too good to be true. The most shocking subject that I really couldn't believe is my lovely chinese. I couldn't even score an A in PMR and I'm just feeling like totally hopeless and helpless on my chinese. And actually I'm just feeling like giving up on this subject and focus on the others. And I still remember I just score forty something over seventy marks for my essay during my early form 4. It's such a shame! And the teacher just called me to read more in front of everyone .__. Well, hard work does yield juicy fruits. an A- for my chinese goes beyond everything, and it is totally enough for me. It's a miracle. Thanks God.




























Many people deemed it's a waste for me just to pursue a diploma despite my results. Well, I'm not going to choose any SAM or A-levels or any professional route for my further studies. Those roads are tough. It's not that I can't, but I just don't want to. I know what I want. After going through so many during my toilsome form 5 life, I've somehow see the world differently, somewhat understand what I want, and so on.

I've seen so many of my friends that choose those tough paveways, and they're somewhat stressful and tired. And some are just so envy of my diploma's life. Relax. Free. Flexible. To be frank. I love my current life, at least I found a reason to study, a genuine yet good and happy reason to study. Not just to pass exam or satisfy lecturers, but to merely learn new knowledge. Everytime when I've learn a new topic about something, I felt so content and bliss, just because I've learnt something new. It's totally different from my study life at Jitsin, which is such a horrible school hahaha.